LeftfootlegendGooner's Friday joke thread

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A woman says to her doctor doctor "I have two green marks on the inside of my thighs" The doctor had a look and said. "Is your boyfriend a Gypsy?"
I said "Yes, why?"

He said, "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A mother takes her four year old daughter into the bank and the little girl goes up to the counter and says " as I now have a job I would like to open a bank account" the manager replies oh what sort of a job do you have?" The little girl replies " I have a job on a building site" the mother explains that they have builders working on land at the bottom of their garden and the builders have taken a shine to her daughter and let her turn the hose on and off and as she has been so helpful have given her a proper pay packet. " well that's wonderful says the bank manager it's so good to work hard and receive a pay packet, are you working next week?"

" yes says the little girl, if those cunnts from Jewson deliver the fucking bricks on time."

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I had a dream I was swimming in a giant ocean of orange soda.
Turned out to be a Fanta sea.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Phoned the Tinnitus helpline earlier but it just kept ringing...

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

To the Scumbag that stole 300 cans of RedBull from my shop.

I don't know how you can sleep at night.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

I said to the wife 'I've got a problem.'

She replied 'No, we have a problem, we're a couple, we're married, we're a unit, your problem is my problem we're in this together.'

Overwhelmed with relief I said 'its hardly worth mentioning now.'

But she was insistent on knowing, 'what is the problem?'

I then had to explain to her that 'we have got your sister pregnant!.'

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Feminists just want to be treated equally

To the pretty ones.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

It's only my second day in prison, and I've already been brutally bummed in the showers three times.

I'm starting to think maybe I'm not cut out to be a guard.

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

An Essex girl gets knocked off her bike and takes a nasty whack to the head.

A paramedic rushes over to check her for injuries.

"How many fingers have I got up?"

She suddenly bursts into tears.

"Fuck me, I'm a paralysed from the waist down, I can't feel any"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of Popcorn Kernels.

My cremation is going to be epic.

[OneBardGooner]

A woman says to her doctor doctor "I have two green marks on the inside of my thighs" The doctor had a look and said. "Is your boyfriend a Gypsy?"
I said "Yes, why?"

He said, "Tell him his earrings aren't real gold."

.. Read this one 5 minutes ago and I'm still laughing tears in my eyes ... Oh! My feckin' ribs!

[OneBardGooner]

An Essex girl gets knocked off her bike and takes a nasty whack to the head.

A paramedic rushes over to check her for injuries.

"How many fingers have I got up?"

She suddenly bursts into tears.

"Fuck me, I'm a paralysed from the waist down, I can't feel any"

And this one... I've had to stop to take a breather!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

A bloke walks into a pub and sees three men and a dog playing poker.
He says to the landlord "Fuck me, that must be one clever dog"

"Not really" said the landlord,

"Every time he gets a good hand his fucking tail starts wagging"

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

When I was in the pub last night I overheard a couple of dickheads saying that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman!
What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the fucking thing!

[LeftfootlegendGooner]

Las Vegas and Scunthorpe:- the only two places in the world where you can pay for sex with chips....